A couple years ago, I took an unexpected and unnerving fall. It happened as I walked indoors along a smooth wooden floor that had a single step down – about 5 inches – that I didn’t see. The instant my foot didn’t land on the surface my brain expected to find, my entire body went into a free fall. My brain locked up and went blank. I lost all sense of balance. Every muscle in my body stiffened. My eyes lost focus. My heartrate instantly doubled. All I could do was go with it, involuntarily surrendering to the unknown as a crippling sense of panic seized me.
Somehow, my muscles took over and sent me into a head-first slide onto the wooden floor in front of me, where I came to a frazzled stop 15 feet away from the missed step. It took a full 10-seconds before my brain reset and I realized what had happened. My head and body ached from the sudden trauma as they started to shift out of panic mode. Thankfully, I didn’t break any bones or teeth.
Why tell this story? Because of the parallels between that fall and my mental, emotional and spiritual fall that I experienced after Annie died. Suddenly, I found myself falling into the panic of the unknown, unable to control anything. My dearest loved one and our shared reality that had always been a constant in my life suddenly vanished, sending me into a free fall. But instead of lasting for a matter of seconds, it lasted for days.
Where would I land?
At the time:
As with my physical fall, all I could do was surrender to the unknown as panic gripped me.
I couldn’t make sense of anything – everything spun out of control.
All I could do was hang on and try to find any source of comfort – only to find none.
The momentum of the fall had to unfold in its own way and come to its own end. Nothing could stop it.
What I’ve Learned Since:
I’ve learned to look at that free fall as the beginning of the biggest and most profound period of transition in my life.
Now I see it like Dorothy’s fall in the Wizard of Oz, when the tornado swept her away from her family and farm in Kansas.
Or Alice in Wonderland’s fall down the rabbit hole.
I’ve also learned that the fall contained a two-fold message for me:
Most things are beyond my control. And,
I will be brought to a place – a new dimension – where I will suffer, learn and grow in ways beyond my imagination.